As I try to ignore the time display on my monitor that tells me I should go to bed, I am again reminded that many of life lessons learned throughout my 22 years were learned the hard way. It took me 2 million accurate blows right to my mouth before I learned (when they didn't come flying anymore), that being disrespectful to your parents was just not the way to go, no matter how right you are. After I 'grew' out of physical discipline at home as the years went by, there was and is just no denying that my tongue needed all that control for what was more putrid than a defensive child when being confronted was the underlying Attitude of a haughty and stubborn me.
I think it took me my entire college life in the 'faster paced' KL and all my experiences through the years (quite good ones but mostly bad), to make me realize how far I can be from Home. Away from my physical home, to which being 'independent' from made me see how attached or detached I can get from my family members and the principles I was brought up with; not forgetting the other Home, the dwelling place of God and godliness in my heart and mind. The seasons of plowing through college till this very moment has made me realize a lot of things I never knew about myself, felt about God or the Church and Christianity.
Although He indeed opened doors and so evidently pulled me through every single inch of thread sewn, I'm reminded that my 'relocating' from the island nest to be here right now was not because I frowned and asked Him hard enough (I honestly did) to grant me the spiritual-heavenly Stamp of Approval on my desire to study design. More obviously now, it was so that I may be here right now with the daily happenings and chosen people in my life, realizing that He is most importantly the head of the Home I can be so estranged from at times and that my life is really not my own. Looking back now, if He wasn't the one to plant that mysteriously late interest for doodling apparel design back in Form 5, I don't know how else I would've ended up praying that hard for something I was that unfamiliar with and then being put here to pursue that interest.
It's humbling picturing again how every contour was made by Him - every tiny angle, every swooping bend and each timely detour so that He may reach into the depths of me and pull me out of Attitude, to show me His plans when I have enough confidence to gaze right into His face; then will my tongue speak freely of His glorious beauty and grace that I have seen and felt for myself.
Every phase in my life has been and is in preparation for something that will eventually be revealed in time but is constantly in-the-making. I feel like going back to the countless times I was as stubborn as an ass that is the animal so I could kick myself squarely there for learning things the hard way and being such a pain. But I guess if it weren't for difficult lessons, I would've been even further from Home and not forgetting the very crucial part of returning to it now.
