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Taking the train to work and back every day gives room for me to think that there are too many people who are self indulgent but a good number of them want to grasp for things that are larger than their inward looking lives. And then I think about myself, close my eyes and want to disappear under the floor of the train. There is the Self, and there's the Hope.

I've had two weeks of constantly wanting to get away from Myself. Disgusted, frustrated and annoyed by me, like a scraggly dog gnawing at fleas on the back of its body. Anvil, pit in ground, whale, angry mob - I wanted them.. anything, to ease me of myself. I'm now reminded again that while there were sticky situations that could've taken better routes, I summoned hastily the Self in me - my limited physical and mental know-hows on things I kinda knew I could only handle that much of on my own. I forgot the chunk of reality that I was not going to be Superwoman if Superwoman does not draw strength from above. Instead of hating myself at the end of day, I could've just taken the better route. There is the Self, but there's the Choice.

I think about the people I see around me every day in the train and wonder what motivates them to live and repeat cycles, what motivates them to do good and make right choices; what demotivates them to call for Game Over when the going gets tough. Maybe it's self-help books and lots of Chicken Soup for the Soul, kind words from loved ones, red roses from lovers and good memories. But there's always been that Hope.


God, I pray that my hope will always be in You.
That You will remind me again and again and again that You are my steadfast Hope.


How will they know that there is You?

I didn't go to work today. I had a really bad coughing fit last night and didn't get much sleep, even the night before. It feels like there are gremlins partying in my throat and after 4am it gets to the point where I wouldn't be completely shocked to see my guts and lungs fly out of my mouth and onto the bed. I barfed out the water I drank last night and my stomach aches whenever I cough now :| I felt bad calling my boss this morning, telling her I couldn't make it to work today. But she was very (honestly) nice about it, and she allowed me the day off without an MC.

I was telling Simon the other day that during my recent CNY holiday back in Penang, I was never more conscious of age, physical sickness and longevity before in my life. I go to someone's house, and I become the most disrespectful breathing being by asking my sister something I should've remembered from day one - that the man of the house has already passed away. And this happened thrice. When she tells me and I go 'Oh DARN ITTT', I want to immediately smash my head on a hard object for FORGETTING (I can't believe myself) but it feels worse to know that the people I expect to see every Chinese New Year are getting older, looking older, and some have already gone.

I go to a relative's house and I see someone using a walking aid and looking a little too skeletal, talking much slower and softer and having a full head of ash colored hair - I've never seen the person this way before. Not even when I shook her hand last February. Age and sicknesses swallowed several whole within a mere 12 months and I could see how the days and nights throughout the year had worn them out. And those 12 months to me was like... nothing. Seeing them change physically tugged at me and knowing that people acknowledge it as 'That's how it goes; nothing you can do' was and is difficult. Hearing those who were unwell say that aloud was even worse.

There I was sitting next to them, healthy. Christian. Very soon I asked myself why I was seated right there feeling sorry but not praying for their sicknesses, not laying my hands on them. But yet I allowed my prayers to be muted and my words sat snugly in a corner of my mind instead. I saw those who were ill as helpless and vulnerable to new chapters in their lives that would confine them from then on to being dependent on medication, the hands of others, their maids, user-and-elderly-friendly devices, acupuncture and weekly clinic visits.

It made me miserable thinking about loss during Chinese New Year. If only I could have everyone I love with me for the rest of my life. Physical presence, so important to me. And I was thinking that I wasn't ready to have a missing jigsaw piece, not ready to have anyone in my family or the people I'm so used to having around or hearing from, be physically limited - feeding them their meals with my hands, wiping them clean, bringing them to the toilet every night, changing their sheets. It moved me seeing some of that happen when I visited a couple of houses this year. It was as anguishing pondering why I was seeing these things and having the same things in mind.

It's crushing me to say Prepare me God. I honestly am not crazy about it because I'm going Oh no, oh no at the same time. Times are changing - my parents are older, my sister's turning 26 and yes, I personally feel old(er) just thinking that she's not stuck at 24 anymore. My house is stocked with healthy food, fruits and organic products. Almost all my relatives were poking at the 'Bigger' questions - marriage, our husbands and careers (that my parents made funny facial expressions at and pretended not to hear as we answered them.. nyeheheh). Then it's me thinking about grey hair and failing organs all the way.

I wish it was only a 'women tend to think about sickness and death during festivities' reality. It sucks that I'm positive it's not.


Cherish, cherish.

I can't sleep again.. Here are some pictures.