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I thank You God from the bottom of my heart
for whatever it is You did to bring Simon and I together;
may You be the center of love abiding.



Insert compulsory cheesy grin.

So I'm free from assignments. However.. a guy backed into my housemate's car when I was driving at the carpark - minimal damage (I was stationary), but definitely a burden to carry. I need a car of my own for things like these, at least it wouldn't feel half as bad. Supposed to meet him tomorrow at 3 to go to his mechanic at Sri Kembangan, he's going to pay for the paintjob. Yes, please pay for the paintjob. That happened on Monday, before I passed up my finals so even after handing up my work, I was numb towards the joy of doing so. Don't feel like going into details. Shrug.

Now it's Tuesday (technically Wednesday already but Tuesday sounds good) and I spent the entire day in bed, if not trying to kill time online but only to withdraw from staring at the screen that just makes me feel worse. I woke up with a stomach ache and felt like throwing up after a couple of trips to the WC. Then the fever started and I've been lagging ever since. Lagging, heh. I didn't eat anything the whole day, I couldn't, but thanks to a nasi dagang comment below, I started feeling really hungry and I cooked some soupy pasta thing that actually turned out good. I thought I was going to faint from dizzyness while stirring.

I had 4 Panadols so far only and they are my friends. Still feeling dizzy and laggy but temperature's not as high as previous hours.

Sucks lah, to finally put aside work but be swarmed with unfortunates. Looking forward to the weekend. If I'm still feeling under the weather I'd still go for paintball though - maybe the bullets will shoot the daylights outta my snaily self.

Feeling drugged. I haven't had anything to laugh about for more than 24 hours :(


Cary, I think I must've gone to your blog 10 times today, desperate for updates from you guys :/ No pressure, no pressure.

I.am.free.of.my.studies.

Thanks to everyone who cheered me on. For every pat of encouragement received, I covered a stroke of pen and a stitch of thread. Imagine the amount of love that got me through :D *Rock On headbang!!!* I don't have to dread working anymore! Because there is no work left. There is no work left. Yes. Very good. Gooooood. Drool.

What did you guys do for your dads for Father's Day? I sent him a msg and snail mailed a card which hopefully arrived today, just one day late only heh. And I've yet to get him his gift nyeheheh. I also plucked out some sort of poem from the pits of my brain at about 6am yesterday, after being prompted to write one which was inspired by a conversation that made me think about me dad instead when I was actually supposed to deliver 100% (ONE HUNDRED PERCENT) work productivity like a Japanese ant. But the chances of him stumbling upon it here is anorexic and I don't plan to bersyair the thing to him also, so that's more like a Father's Day present to me. Aww.. Jewdit, you shouldn't have.

I remember once (this must be about 10 years ago kekekek) I bought a pen-holder cum paperweight for him from a stationery shop near my house called 'WAH BEE'. The invention is red, pyramid shaped and has this hologram image of a rainbow with a mushroom or something as sad as those two combined, and a catch-phrase that's either 'Thinking of You' or 'You Are Special' on the hologram. Can't remember exactly but that thing is seriously leaning towards ugly already haha. Whatlah. It looks like a New Age item, no kidding. I think it's still around, but nowhere near papers or pens because the last time I saw it, it was in the porch :|

Can't wait to spend more time with you guys. Penang mari soon also. My islandic side is resurfacing. Cowabunga.


Craving for buttered toast with sugar on top. Craaaaave.

It's violent to think that I could be waltzing down in ivory;
the crimson path is soft with freshly strewn petals,
and the band's already in full swing
but am not purely euphoric because your feet aren't dancing with mine.
I would imagine it being my saddest happiest moment -
everyone stares with pressed smiles,
and little girls eye carefully the trailing charmeuse
but the older ones are wondering how I could look as bleak as the parking attendant at a time like this.

It's not easy when time frightens you and you toil around it,
hoping it will slow down as you burrow for pieces of silver that might make do for the gold -
almost anything to keep up with the moving of hands on a numerical circle that spells When.
It eats into me that you might be there, yes, but just watching, not walking,
and even worse: from somewhere I can't see.
I have to stop thinking about it or I'll steal happiness from its jar,
but it would be great if you could promise I'd get to have you do the honors,
just for a few minutes - it would be enough for me to race back and forth twice over in silly glee.
You just have to be there.

I waited one hour for my maggie mee goreng ayam.



I'm sneaking a post - my work is sprawled on the floor and the available floorspace in my room is narrowed down even further to a few bunny hops and space enough for one seated butt. I was in the car earlier with Joel driving back to Cyberjaya from Everyone Else (EE) and we saw the biggest orange moon in the history of driving back at night from EE. I thought it was too pretty - it was almost full, clouds covered the top right of this yellowish orange sphere. Joel said it would've been easy to see the craters because it was that big and that low (but of course, my eyes - they fail me well). I wonder if it's still there, I hope this phenomenon will repeat itself tomorrow night or when I'm in a car and it parades itself. I want to drive.. A car. I want a car.

Then Joel, in all randomness, brought up 'flashbacks': how vivid they can be and how funny it is that our minds can make room for these uninvited peeks of memory (I am *jambalay-ing my own words with his but this is the gist of what he was saying). He asked if I get these flashbacks. And all I managed to come up with for a reply was half a chuckle and a smile while nodding. With that oversized moon trapped in mid-air staring at me, I could only think of the flashbacks that haunt - those that make me want to gauge out what's left of my brain although these visits into the past only last for a speedy 3-4 seconds. They could replay at the oddest of hours, even when I cannot think of anything that could possibly trigger them. Words spoken to me, words spoken to others, the things I've done, the way I've felt, the atrociousness of foul experiences, bad judgments, moronic choices made - they all intrude. And then the ability to have flashbacks feels as though it'll stay a lingering curse until I one day lose my memory altogether, which is nothing near consolation.

I think I'll have to live with these flashbacks, however happy I may be at present, because the past is always revisited one way or another. And of course, even though I don't want it to. The things we'd rather forget is the hardest to erase. I don't blame our good ol' grey matter for that, I think it's one of the best ways to keep us in check of what we haven't cleared up but should've before the gift of memory is tormenting. Unsettling as they may be, unsettled is the very reason they are. Digging through rubble, discovering dead limbs and burrying them is how I'm imagining myself trying to make peace with a mind that at times refuses to die to the past for the sake of the future/sake of being practical. And then it only takes a few more disturbing ordeals to realize that it isn't actually all that difficult to have no yellowing strings attached. Just detach them to God. Like how my Chemistry/Physics tuition teacher in highschool would put it: 'Simpleset!' which is actually how you would normally say 'as simple as that' but his unintentionally cute version is 'simpleset'. He also says 'ice cream' as 'icekling'.

Surrender my restless mind to Jesus - simpleset. And with prayer and obedience, revisit unsettled memories only to reconcile them with truth and His righteousness.

Now God, please help me not to procrastinate. There's college work to do. Monday is THE deadline. Then I'm free as a turtle dove. And a partridge in a pear tree..


*jambalay = sounds like 'jumble',
therefore jambalay-ing = jumbling! Ho ho. Ho.

Distance quite agrees with me but it only provides that much comfort
till there comes a time when I hope I were much warmer to the radiance of things that draw me closer to cheer.
I wonder if it were all that necessary to be this far away from what's right under my toes.
That familiarity of 'safety' and the courage owned only for things that do not inflict pain
just makes me a coward for all things hopeful.
Smiling becomes tiring after awhile.
You just need this much to gather before knowing that you're missing the whole point of being happy.