I was typing out an email a few minutes ago but I only made it past the
Hello (recipient's name) before I hit Delete and withdrew from the text box. It wasn't out of cowardry neither was it because I had a swift change of mind. I wish it was, but I didn't change my mind - God did. Gaahh! I REALLY felt like doing some Superman speed typing and hitting Send
before deciding if I were to obey the familiar voice or not. But I chose to delete my email of
Hello (person's name), with a
very dissatisfying feeling and a long, black kiam-chai face.
It was a
'give me what I deserve or I'll.. I'll frown a lot the next time I see you' email (the email wasn't intended to be as harmless as that superficial threat but it's quite likely that I
throw in a few constipated smiles or frowns if the person dismisses my plea and I meet him/her afterwards) Gaahh! Typing that out just gave me a shot of anger. Brr. Boy do I feel like sending that email now.
Breathe.
I don't want to disclose any further information about who the email was addressed to and what it's about (besides it being about WHAT I DESERVE, I'M NOT ASKING FOR A POT OF GOLD IT'S ONLY WHAT YOU TOOK OFF ME, I shall not tell you any more. Hmm, I think I've more breathing work to do), but it isn't about anyone of you reading this. It's not about an individual anyways.
It's really easy to demand for what you deserve under the disguise of politeness and
"could you please" sentences. I think it wouldn't be too difficult before you or the other party senses that you're frowning away (if you're hidden behind a ganggang telepon) and everything just sounds like a thousand other ways to say
"as a matter of fact". At least that's how I imagine I would be if I were to confront the person. Especially after finally getting the chance to file a small complaint after hesitating a few times before.
Maybe it's all about phrasing your words cautiously, not saying anything that would offend the person you're a little frustrated with. I think it
is about speaking with love especially if you're dissatisfied with something about someone. But for this issue I was dying to vent out about to claim my fair share of what I think I do 'own', it isn't about speaking with kindness vs. speaking with an untamed tongue. It's about not speaking at all. I'm not particularly anal about bad service or weird treatment (unless it's
streamyx... Gahh!! I obviously need more forgiveness in me. Or maybe...I just need a MUCH BETTER ISP that serves its customers what they pay for... Okay, I need more forgiveness :\ ) so it takes a lot of me before I write to the papers, call for the taukeh or the security guards.
For now, it's not demanding for my 'rights', neither is it being indifferent about things that seem unfair. It's about seeking solutions that are not birthed out of my being sovereign over self-proclaimed freedom of action. It's definitely about bearing with shortcomings and
most definitely about dying to mySelf -
not being a mindless victim, but depending on God to sort things out. And the only way is to shut my mouth, stop rehearsing my
'Here I'll Give You A Cute Little Piece of My Mind' speech in my head and surrendering my disappointments: knowing that in my
silence, people will hear me out because He
already has. I know that I've nowadays gone more bitter over difficult people (and sometimes the 'innocent'); I sense that I have lost a lot of kindness and unconditional love along the journey of dealing with difficult people in trying times. So much less effort made to accept and go the extra mile. So much of... me.
It will cost, that's the whole idea. I want and need it to.
Shetland grazing
Breathtaking
Temperamental in the wilderness
:P
