Saturday, September 24, 2005 

Paul's Struggle & Mine

No One is Righteous

There is no one righteous, not even one;
there is no one who understands,
no one who seeks God.
All have turned away, they have together become worthless;
there is no one who does good,
not even one.

Their throats are open graves;
their tongues are open graves;
their tongues practice deceit.
The poison of vipers is on their lips.
Their mouths are full of cusing and bitterness.
Their feet are swift to shed blood;
ruin and misery mark their ways,
and the way of peace they do not know.
Ther is no fear of God before their eyes.

(The logic of Romans 3)



Paul's Struggle
(Romans 7:15-25)

15I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. 16I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. 17But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things.

18I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. 19When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. 20But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.

21It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22I love God's law with all my heart. 23But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin?[c] 25Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. (More on Romans 7)

Just a little something I picked up from Paul's letter. Verse 24 is a taste of some of the questions and laments I have forwarded recently: realizing that the ugly is dominating almost every fiber of the world, where people's intentions, words and actions cannot be tainted any further.

And I was thinking, that since this is the case, I fear for my life. I am afraid - for what I am capable of becoming, doing, and what others are capable of doing against me or even for me, that brings me even further from righteousness. And then there's knowing that sin resurfaces one too many times, and the possibility of my being an ignorant fool: blindly unaware that my heart is so far away from God's purposes tailored for me. Then there are the people around me, those I love and others alike - I do not know what their hearts are really made of; I can only imagine.

It seems meaningless then to live in a life that is surrounded and engulfed by all that you do not want for yourself to happen. In this case, sin.

But as soon as there are questions, there is the solution in verse 25. My only hope is in Christ. From that only straw, i know that "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life..." (Psalm 23:6)


It's almost 4am, long day tomorrow. Goodnight.




2:32 AM | | Post comments here ,

Monday, September 19, 2005 

Semper Fidelis

Fear, confusion, regret, grief, guilt.






Semper fidelis - Always faithful.

1:22 PM | | Post comments here ,

Monday, September 12, 2005 

Humphrey & Crazy Stuff

Scroll down a little further and you will meet my adopted pet hamster, Humphrey. Hamsters don't usually make it on my list of favored pets (they smell, they're too small i can't wrestle them, they are vulnerable to death, they eat each other) but this little buddy was the cutest thing I could find amongst others like a llama, penguin, and hedgehog. I named him.. Humphrey :) I was going to call him Wheekling after a bout of inspiration from the wheel he runs on and his tiny physique. But I settled for something more Edwardian and blueblooded, so Humphrey the hamster he is. I hope he doesn't die.

This morning - Church was out of this world. So much of wacky, hair-down, joyous singing, shouting, dancing, running, jumping.. just having awesome fun in the presence of an awesome God. It was an explosion of freedom and deliverance from the stubborness of our feet, lips, and hearts to burst forth in unrestrained shouts and unexpected dances before a living and interactive God who was clearly moving ever so strongly in our midst. The musicians just kept on playing, each had their own interpretation and sentiment towards what God was doing in our midst, but every twang, bang, strum, clash, treble, bass, minor sevens and majors were all in-tune and the sound produced was just.. perfect (What is worship?).

I was back-up singing today after some rearranging of dates with another, and I know that it was not by chance that I was up there. On Saturday when we had practice, Joshua prayed for freedom in our hearts. He cried out for the church to worship whole-heartedly, without judging one another (as each has different styles of worshiping - some prefer clapping, some lifting of hands, some sitting, standing, waving, etc), and more importantly, that our hearts and our flesh do not hold back sincere and honest worship before our God. And his cry was heard, and today saw a sweep of pure joy and reconciliation, as young and old danced with gladness in their hearts.

Being on stage can be a restraining thing sometimes, when you're more aware of the people on the floor, when you're slightly more conscious. But in the morning, there was noooo way I was going to keep my posture kaku, because... there simply was no way to keep standing in one spot. As the Holy Spirit was moving in the place, people caught on and read from the Bible, scriptures that speak of singing forth praises unto God, making noises (and then look at the 'irony' of today's ODB passage which reads "Sing to The Lord". Crazy stuff. Exactly what the urge of God was for us in PJ this morning!) I took my shoes off, and before I knew it, I was jumping and dancing on stage with the mike somewhere in the air. I haven't done any jumping or skipping or anything else besides walking and fast walking since... Oh man. I just remembered. I sprained my ankle on Friday. And I was jumping and dancing on stage on Sunday... ?

Haha! Crazy stuff. Healed and forgotten. I was prancing around with no thoughts whatsoever about what I was doing because.. once there is this release of freedom in you, you can't really hold it back. I grabbed the tambourine and played so hard that I have bruises on my legs now (you can play it by hitting it with the small of your palm or the side of your thighs). I don't know how long I was jumping around, but I was happy, free... and forgiven.

And then there was the children. You look at how tiny they are and how they were oblivious to everything around them when they were praising God: it's amazing. They came up to the front with the help of some adults, took traditional percussion instruments and streamers in their hands and just jumped around, danced and hopped in circles. I was surprised none of them tipped over. The adults looked a little lost among them too. And I was reminded of what Jesus said when the disciples rebuked those who had brought children to Jesus so he could pray for them. He said, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matt 19:13-14). And in another verse Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me." (Matt 18:3-5). This was when the disciples asked him who the greatest in the kingdom of heaven was, and Jesus called a child and had him stand among them.

Having child-like faith has much difference from being childish. Sometimes we scrutinize, analyze, judge and are indifferent too often that we lose the essence of the heart of worship - offering that little you have with every ounce of heart, mind and strength despite circumstance, to someone whom you know loves you just the way you are. Ah, crazy stuff!

We sang the song Be The Body. Great lyrics as it is all too true and relevant to the church as a body of Christ. As our bodies have individual members functioning in it like the eyes, hands, ears, etc., so the same goes to the church, where each has different functions, gifts and strengths that complement one another and are vital to the entire church (Romans 12:3-8). When your body falls sick because of a certain part that is aching, like my twisted ankle a couple days before, your whole body loses off its fullest capacity - yes I could still move around, but I was limping and I couldn't function to the fullest as I was designed to. Same with the church - as the eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!", it is a living organism, a unit with many members that form a body. So when a member is grieving or in need, the other will grieve together and uplift that member in prayer (1 Corinthians 12:12-31). Never is a church a church if it's merely a physical building or roof where Christians gather. It is a church when the members are serving God, serving one another, loving one another, and serving those who aren't a part of the body yet; bringing what's happening inside, out. So the song is about being what it means to be church. Lemme just put some of the lyrics here:

When your faith is just an ember

Take this bread and you will remember

When your heart is dead from sin

Take this wine and live again.

To the ones who haven’t heard yet

Be the body, be the body

To the ones who don’t deserve it

Be the body.

To the child with tear stained face

Be the body, be the body

Let her know that warm embrace

Be the body.

When you’re worn down from the miles

Take this bread and rest awhile

When you’re broken by your sin

Take this wine, come home again


When you’re beat down from the fight

Be the body, be the body

In the dark and lonely midnight

Be the body.


Lately (actually for the past year or so), I've been verrrryyy tired of myself. Tired of failing, of picking and dusting myself up, of getting up and walking again. Because I know that it is just a matter of time before I falter and struggle to pick myself up again. But I know that however maaaannnyyy times I fall down flat on my face or twist my ankle, I will be rescued from myself again and brought back to the saving grace of Jesus I chose to have 11 years ago. Crazy stuff.


Praise is the voice of a soul set free.


I smell smoke. The haze is back. Take it away, Lord! Time to hit the sack, goonight Humphrey and you.

12:57 AM | | Post comments here ,

Saturday, September 10, 2005 

Twisted

I want a mousepad.

Yesterday evening - the clouds in the blue sky were.... no, wait.

Early yesterday evening - the clouds in the blue sky were the first kinds of clouds I had set my eyes upon. As far as my stereoscopic vision enabled me to see, a large portion of the sky was plastered with a layer of clouds that looked like patterned wallpaper. Very pretty, like the scales of a fish or the skin of a snake or the layer of residue atop water. There's a quote which describes it quite well - "a picture is worth a thousand words". I didn't have a camera with me and I was walking outside when the sky caught me redhanded. And to make matters worse, a plane had to fly across the clouds and the sun was bursting the last of its rays for the day, making it depressingly picturesque. I want a digital camera!

Before (early) yesterday evening - The afternoon sun was scorching. Really bright and it felt as though the sun was stalking me from all angles and catching up on me. My eyes which were already suffering from lack of sleep, had to be reduced to small peepholes because it was trying to shut as the glare was stinging. My skin felt like it was burning and it actually hurt!

So upon touchdown in campus, I headed down the normal flight of stairs and I commented about how my skin was burning because of the sun. And then I twisted my ankle and fell on the stairs, ripping my gigantic plastic bag I put my work in into two. It was a good thing I didn't roll down the stairs because I was late for submission already, and I didn't feel like it would be such a good idea.

I was up and running after realizing how embarassing it was (although there wasn't anyone laughing and pointing, there was the security guard who looked concerned). My left ankle didn't really hurt and I was surprised. Until of course later that evening, when I was reduced to a painful limp. It felt like my legs were uneven in length. Now it's slightly better than yesterday, though the feeling of a lump in my foot is still there. But I'm glad that I can walk.

I was going to write a rather lengthy entry, but I have to shower and head out. Huweee.

12:05 PM | | Post comments here ,

Wednesday, September 07, 2005 

Pressure Pot

OK, my dateline is in two days and I've been drowning and redrowning in the sea of Work. The water's gushing into my nostrils, my eyes and ears; all I sense and feel at the end of day (or maybe to be more exact, at the end of minute) is panic and bad pressure. My mind's constantly slapped around with words that are directly connected to my project (eg mood board, illustrations, fabrics, details, concept, etc); sometimes I can hear myself thinking of the words individually, but now it has come to the stage of something like white noise - everything chaotic, tangled and bouncing off each other so I don't even have to second guess what that noise is scratching my mind about.

Even as I type, I can feel the pressure of work and how much more I have to do in too little time. I want to do my work, but that's all I've been doing (and this is not even the finals yet) that I can't stand being surrounded by it anymore, but I have to because I will feel pressured for not doing so and subsequently pay the consquences of avoiding it.

God, grant me the grace that you know I need because only by your strength will I complete what you've given me to do. I know whatever obstacles that come my way, it is something that I can handle because You will not put me where You cannot sustain me from that rut.

I haven't been grocery shopping in some time, neither do I cook dinners anymore for the sake of saving time. I just basically eat/snack on cereal (main course),chocolates, biscuits or recently, mooncakes (which I need to replenish. Those things don't last long around me.. Argh I wonder why).

My head is going all directions, but mostly it's in the direction of my living room where my huge pile of work is (literally, there is a huge pile on the floor which I sit surrounded by). I need a break, a rest. Teach me how to rest, Lord!

I have a blog draft saved which is unfinished. It's about being Malaysian (it was supposed to be posted around 31st August (that's Hari Merdeka for those whose ungrateful minds have adopted dates and seasons of foreign countries which they have resided in or have never been to but wish all the time they'd get at least a piece of souvenir from there to keep), but I think that will not make it out of the Drafts folder anytime soon. But there's always next year :D And being Malaysian is not a tidal thing - once Malaysian, always Malaysian. Unless you don't eat durian, chili and haven't watched TV1 before.

I'm getting sleepy. I should sleep. No I shouldn't. But I am sleepy. But I have work. And it's calling out to me. And I'm here typing that I am sleepy and doing nothing about it. But I...




Zz.


2:59 PM | | Post comments here ,

Tuesday, September 06, 2005 

Comprehensive

Seperating Fact from Fiction


Sorry, I've been really preoccupied, that's the most I can do for now. But I think this post contains much more value than rambles of little direction.

Time for college.

9:37 AM | | Post comments here ,

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  • I'm Judith
  • From Penang
  • In PJ, Malaysia
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    Sometimes it's best when things don't go according to plan.

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