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Mike had sent me an email on Monday (hey, that's just yesterday..) about what he talked to me on Sunday.

God has given Mike the ability to see through the hearts of others, so that made him confront me about this 'key' that God told him to tell me about. Mike mailed that after he told me about the key, that word still kept prompting him. Usually it doesn't happen when he releases a word to another - it'll usually just go away. But for me, the word 'key' still remains.

'What key you hold on to, is where you will be in'. What key?

It's not so much of the doors, but that one key. I really don't know. Help me.

I turned 20 on the 24th of June. It's been a long journey. But somehow I feel like it's only been one looong stretch of 365 days, rather than a multiplication of 365 and 20.

Many things I've learned, and the hard way. Things could've been made much simpler and less complicated, if I were to trust more, do less, and obey.

This is some looong entry. I won't give you Brownie points for reading any or all of it, it's pretty personal. But it's too true to keep it inside.

1) I do not live for myself, on my own

This I have been learning since I was a kid. Life is SO much more than me. I am an individual who has a life that is full of people that I love, people I want to love (that are hard to love) and people who do not love me. Everything I do, even if it's for myself and does not directly involve another, has consequences on others whether I like it or not.

For when I do things out of my own discretion/experience/emotions, it affects others too in the same way when I use them in discreet without them knowing or being involved. Because how I handle situations of my own/on my own, mirrors how I would handle situations that involve others as well. Because within me, is the same character and spirit, whether I'm alone or with others.

God watches over me anyhow. Everything I do, He knows. He knew a long time ago already. And too often I take Him for granted. My human wisdom has led me astray. My selfishness for my own wants & needs have clouded my mind and it has taken a toll on how I treat others. My pride isolates me from those who need me, and my love for them has not been unconditional.

I have always been surrounded with people who has never stopped caring or doubting in me. And yet, the very people I love, I tend to hurt. The ones I know who truly want the best for me and have me as their priority, I have avoided. Instead, I choose to be near those who do not give me warnings, who do not remind me of my waywardness; those who do not know my struggles. My ignoring their heeds are results of immaturity and foolishness.

Whatever I do, whether little or large, is done by this same heart that has been beating for 20 years. For 12 years I have known this Jesus who has never failed me nor left me for dead. Never have I known a love greater than His. My sins He has dealt with on the cross, the penalty of my sins which is death, I have been liberated from. There's no higher sacrifice, than a man who would give His life to pay that special price for me. It's more than my ticket to heaven.

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2) People Are Watching & Wanting

He has called me as His own, He has chosen me to live this life He has paved out for me. And it's crazy that all He wants of me is an intimate relationship with Him, my Creator/Friend/Lover/Father/King. No matter how many times I deny Him, He will surely deliver me. How then can I not reflect His love for me towards others? What I do should reflect Christ within me who has chosen me to be His, but yet I choose to take this freedom I have to accomplish my own desires?

In my foolishness and pride, I have let others see how someone who claims to be 'Christian' can be as wordly and careless as anyone else. I have let people stumble when I could've portrayed the love of God through my actions and reactions, my resisting and perseverence. But I have failed time and time again, and scarred the existence of a God who forgives and loves every single one whom He has crafted for His plan.

Every one, no matter who, deserves to know Him. It says in the Bible that people are and will be searching for truth, they will hunger for it and are hungry. And almost everywhere I read and listen, people are clueless as to what's real anymore, or who they are, or why they exist and where they should go. And here I am, my mouth has been shut from proclaiming His goodness!

God is not found in churches or manmade religion, He is found in your heart. He wants Your heart to beat for Him and with His. It's a simple request but it takes guts.

God created humans for His pleasure, so that we will have a relationship with Him, and vice versa, and also to have relationships with the people around us (that's why people do long for companionship/relationships with others anyways). He purposefully created every single one of us, the entire human population, but sin came into the picture and with the fall of Adam and Eve, sin seperated us from that rightful relationship with God we were actually made for in the first place.

We are His. But there's so much of deception today that brings us away from the simplicity of what He wants from us. Even Jesus expressed His disgust against the pharisees and teachers of law who appear to be 'holy' on the outside but inside, their hearts have turned into stones.

Matthew 23:2 ¹Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples: ²"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat. ³So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. ⁴They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.

⁵"Everything they do is done for men to see: They make their phylacteries^[a] wide and the tassels on their garments long; ⁶they love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues; ⁷they love to be greeted in the marketplaces and to have men call them 'Rabbi.'

⁸"But you are not to be called 'Rabbi,' for you have only one Master and you are all brothers. ⁹And do not call anyone on earth 'father,' for you have one Father, and he is in heaven. ¹⁰Nor are you to be called 'teacher,' for you have one Teacher, the Christ.^{[b] 11}The greatest among you will be your servant. ¹²For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

²⁷"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. ²⁸In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.

Playing good is never enough. It is what that is inside that counts.

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3) It's Always Easier Than It Seems

I worry, a lot. And I'm stupid for doing so. Why? Because it says in Matthew 6,

²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]?

²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Why I worry is because I do not seek God for answers. I worry and worry and think and think and get even more confused because I do not ask Him for guidance but I demand for answers. Often, the only time I ask Him for help and spend time with Him is when I need help the most. How fair is that? It's like a 'relationship' with your parents that happens only when you're out of $ and you need it a.s.a.p. God hears desperate prayers, but that doesn't mean I only pray when I'm in need. That's not really a relationship with someone anymore, if you're only close to the person when you need something satisfied for your own good.

He promises a life of abundance and freedom, but of course there will be difficult times. He uses problems and tribulations to mold us and make us mature. And that's when You depend on Him the most and put Your faith to work, rather than find solutions on your own.

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What is faith? I'm still learning.

¹Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. (Heb 11:6)

In the book of James, chapter 2:

¹⁴What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? ¹⁵Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. ¹⁶If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?

¹⁷In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

¹⁸But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

¹⁹You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

²⁰You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless^[d]? ²¹Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? ²²You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. ²³And the scripture was fulfilled that says, "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,"^[e] and he was called God's friend.

²⁴You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone.

²⁵In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction?

²⁶As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

Faith is fueled by LOVE. If your understanding of faith does not come from love and result in love, then it is not faith, but mere works. Faith is like when you are left to your last straw and you do not know what lies ahead, but yet you surrender the unknown to God and let Him do the work. That's what He wants - our trust in Him. I have to learn to trust in Him and Him alone.

Imagine Abraham, who had his first son, Isaac after 100 years of waiting. Sarah his wive was a barren woman, but God was gracious and gave them Isaac. And then bam! God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about." Can you imagine? But Abraham, with his faith, obeyed God and took Isaac to the altar. I can imagine the pain in him, but he did not question God but trusted Him completely.

But just as he was about to slay his own son with his knife, God stopped him and He provided a ram instead to be burnt. He said to Abraham that because of his obedience, He now knows how much he fears the Lord, enough to sacrifice Isaac. And later on, God swore that Abraham would be richly blessed and that His descendents will be as numerous as the stars and sand. There are more than 6 billion people on earth now.

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4) God Wants Me To Enjoy Life

Oh man, this life is so much bigger than temporal pleasures. It is overflowing with freedom and abundance of blessings after blessings. And God wants me to be happy and have fun! Life is exciting, I am young, and I have much to discover. And I am free from binding laws because He has set me free from the laws and sin already, from the day I said 'I believe in You'. I can eat whatever I want, drink whatever I want - but if it does not please God, then I should not. If not, I'll be taking this freedom for granted. And I know what it is like to take His grace for granted. And it's nothing fun.
Knowing God should not be something burdensome and boring. He has promises, rewards, blessings, surprises, miracles, power, love, peace, assurance. And all that, is simply found in a thriving relationship with Him. It's so simple yet profound.

I have nothing to lose and have lost nothing. But gain comes after much pain.

The sacrifices of God are a ^(A)broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise (Psalm 51:17). In my weakness, I will find strength in Him.

Weeping for truth and a door to something bigger than myself.

God, in this time of reoccuring pain, deliver me.
I have left the shelter of Your wings;
stepped away from the intimacy of Your presence.
I do not want to be any farther from You.

Forgive me, for I have devoured in sin;
blinded by my own selfishness for the temporal,
and now that You have granted me a time of pain,
I'm stripped off my arrogant desires.
I do not want to be left alone.

Turn Your face to me God, again!
I have knowingly grieved You and carelessly.
I have turned my heart from You,
even as You called me back to Your house.
Let me in! For I am thirsty and need shelter.

My heart knew no shame; hardened and disfigured.
As cold as it was, it obeyed not Your voice.
Open my eyes, melt my heart, so I may see and love again.
I have known a love that came from my lowly knowledge.
Put Your arms around me again, love me, forgive me.

My God, only You can satisfy.
I have walked so far away from You.
Call me back again!
Give me yet another heed, for I am almost gone.
Hold me.

Your love is better than life.
Friend, my Dad and King, You are faithful.
Let this unfaithful one dwell in Your presence again.
I do not want to be far from Your grace.
Save me.

On my knees is where I am, Your servant, child, heir.
Reveal to me Your desires for me, and I will follow.
Teach me Lord to trust in You and You alone.
For I have gone where You have not brought me,
and now I return to where You are.

You want nothing but the best for me, have you ever failed me?
Why oh Lord do I fail you again and again?
Remind me of that promise You have for me once more,
for soon there will be a time of clarity, joy, and love
as this prodigal returns.

1000w - something I just randomly came up with. Or maybe having a thousand whats isn't that random to start off with. I do have many questions, but I'm not seeking for answers here. 1000w is a title for expressing the many questions I have, I guess. So this blog isn't engineered to impress. I don't wanna have to puke Wit out through my ears or be clever in my sentences to make this a superblog. I just want to write about my life to a certain degree in certain aspects, and share some information along the way.

OK, starting from now.

Today, Mike came up to me and sat me down beside Mae. He had something to tell me. He felt it was uncomfortable to talk to me alone, so with much thoughtfulness, he called Mae along also to sit beside me. He had a word for me he received while praying for me a few days back. I was a little nervous in the beginning, but I knew I've wanted direct input for some time.

He asked me if I had keys. I dug for my house keys and he took the bunch, picked up one of the keys and held it up in front of me. He explained something that went:

this is the key to your house/home. With it, you can open the door and enter your house. Also, you can close the door and leave your house with it. He continued, "This key can open the door to the right choice and close the door to the wrong one, or if you choose the door that leads to the wrong choice, you will lock the door to the one that was correct. Let's say there's a door that leads into your house and another that leads into a cell /prison. With this key, which door will you open? A door to a place like home, or somewhere condemning like a cell?

I knew what he was talking about and I know it's something that did not come from his own judgments, but from my watchful Father. I want to open the right entrance and shut the right exit. I need to seek Him to find out.

Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you. (Matt 7:7)

And something just crossed my mind. If there's a door I want to open and I already have the key to it, that means I have complete access to the door. I don't have to knock or barge it down or break in. I have the key. But I can't open the right one without help from someone who knows what door leads to which place. And He's the one who only knows.

But basically, I'm the one who makes the choice at the end of day. What door do I choose? To somewhere with the fragrance of life, or another with the stench of death?

So I've come to the point where I've surrended to the succumbing powers of Blohhgeeng Monsta. Grrroaahhh. The Blohhgeeng Monsta will see to my

1. unimproving posture (think of the letter 'C' on a chair, can transform into 'M' also),
2. generous helpings of radiation (for healthy bones, red eyes & shorter lifespan!) and I personally think, a more
3. oily face at the end of day. No kidding... My face, especially my nose and forehead, seems to excrete oil at a higher rate when I'm in front of my computer screen than when I'm spending time in front of something else (eg, someone else's face or food). It's like a side-effect: an oily face. Surf the Internet and get an oily face, today! Or is it because I don't have an air-cond in here? Or maybe it's... hey, did I shower yet?

Anyhow, I enjoy typing. And I have things to type about.

Howwwwever, this blog is not to suit your whims and fancies, although I hope I will not be reckless to this freedom of speech entrusted to me because I DO have a responsibility as to what others are getting from my blog. Yeah it's my space, but it's also shared with the rest of the C-postured populaysheeon of zeh werld. So... yes.

I have a few other of these (less than 75% of 5 fingers) things lying around online, each have different functions and levels of transparency, one of them being completely private. Haven't really settled and hung on to this whole blogging ideology yet. I'm guessing I just need a portal to store my typings somewhere and share them with people I care about, and a few unsuspecting strangers.

I remember I used to be pretty anal about people writing online journals (that was what it was called before the Blohhgeeng Monsta took over and made it the 'B' word). I questioned its credibility and wondered why people would call it a "diary" if it were to be altered here and there for an audience that might want a little creative writing in their reads, while gaining knowledge about her suicidal attempt and his first knee injury on someone else. I was like mana boleh macam itu? I guess I'll never know for sure what their intentions are (or yours for that matter) but I just hope it's something that's true to them and meaningful to others.


I'm thinking that font size is a little too small... ? Yes no yes no yes no. Hhmmphhh.